Life on Life's Terms

Margit Andersen with author

Ach! Is this a reminder post or one for the bumpy road to grace? It doesn't matter as long as I get it out in black and white on any blank page. 

It had been a long, long time since I felt trapped, at wit's end, and wanted to bolt! In times like this, I call my BBF, Laurie, to help me see my way clearly; so I did. I became sick and tired of making lemonade out of lemons, although that is most often a great way to cope with life gone awry from the good life imagined in my dreams. The culprit for creating my angst always comes down to me. I can't blame my "was"band, his wife, my daughters, or my loving mate. It's how I react to situations and to moments in my relationships, and how I sometimes won't accept the terms of the life I created by my own errant thinking. I have made huge mistakes and hurt others. Mostly, though, I have hurt myself by marginalizing my existence, worth and meaning. I drank to escape my self-loathing. Except for some moments of clarity during those twenty years, I didn't want to accept that my coping mechanism was creating my downfall. The "was"band and new wife took the girls away from me and I finally fell to my knees. But, I still have the bitter taste in my heart of how I wronged my family and damaged my future. All along, there have been angels holding my sad spirit up to the sunshine of hope. The physical dependency is under control, but the injured heart takes a long time, perhaps forever, to be healed. There are frayed nerve ending in my soul that are vulnerable to bouts of self-loathing. Sixteen years have passed since that last drink and the clearing process began. I am much stronger and am definitely much more resilient. This weekend, though, the nerve was pinched and my heart sank. Today I reflected upon my mother's ability to accept life on life's terms, no matter how lousy. She could have been happier but chose to be  a silent pacifist in her marriage. But, in another light I see strength in her way. She had her reasons. It was her life. It probably gave me a pretty calm childhood. For myself, I am back to accepting my life as I am living it with Ron, right now, but unlike my mother, I have chosen to gently stand up for myself. 

Mom, thanks for your love and wisdom. Living life on life's terms in not a novel idea but it becomes new every time I'm faced with making the choice.