Life on Life's Terms

Margit Andersen with author

Ach! Is this a reminder post or one for the bumpy road to grace? It doesn't matter as long as I get it out in black and white on any blank page. 

It had been a long, long time since I felt trapped, at wit's end, and wanted to bolt! In times like this, I call my BBF, Laurie, to help me see my way clearly; so I did. I became sick and tired of making lemonade out of lemons, although that is most often a great way to cope with life gone awry from the good life imagined in my dreams. The culprit for creating my angst always comes down to me. I can't blame my "was"band, his wife, my daughters, or my loving mate. It's how I react to situations and to moments in my relationships, and how I sometimes won't accept the terms of the life I created by my own errant thinking. I have made huge mistakes and hurt others. Mostly, though, I have hurt myself by marginalizing my existence, worth and meaning. I drank to escape my self-loathing. Except for some moments of clarity during those twenty years, I didn't want to accept that my coping mechanism was creating my downfall. The "was"band and new wife took the girls away from me and I finally fell to my knees. But, I still have the bitter taste in my heart of how I wronged my family and damaged my future. All along, there have been angels holding my sad spirit up to the sunshine of hope. The physical dependency is under control, but the injured heart takes a long time, perhaps forever, to be healed. There are frayed nerve ending in my soul that are vulnerable to bouts of self-loathing. Sixteen years have passed since that last drink and the clearing process began. I am much stronger and am definitely much more resilient. This weekend, though, the nerve was pinched and my heart sank. Today I reflected upon my mother's ability to accept life on life's terms, no matter how lousy. She could have been happier but chose to be  a silent pacifist in her marriage. But, in another light I see strength in her way. She had her reasons. It was her life. It probably gave me a pretty calm childhood. For myself, I am back to accepting my life as I am living it with Ron, right now, but unlike my mother, I have chosen to gently stand up for myself. 

Mom, thanks for your love and wisdom. Living life on life's terms in not a novel idea but it becomes new every time I'm faced with making the choice.

Grain of Salt

Remember to “take it with a grain of salt”.

The old saying to “take it with a grain of salt” is useful to me.  When I remember to carry my psychic saltshaker with me AND to use it, I can avoid unnecessary distress to my emotional balance. A simple grain of salt enables me to stomach unsavory, insulting, hurtful, and unwelcome words and innuendos that come my way. It takes away the bitterness so I am less likely to react. The words that spew from someone else’s mouth are coming from their truth, not mine.  I don’t have to swallow the bitter offering, let alone digest it, without neutralizing it to be palatable to my own truth. In a way it’s about accepting someone else’s truth with respectability. I show respect for myself and for that other person.  By practicing using the saltshaker, I will increase my patience with other by not taking things so personally.

The Virtue of Patience

This reminder is about the virtue of Patience.

I constantly lose patience with my partner. His slow speech, the beastly sounds he emits, his frugality, his repetitious stories, his annoyance with me when I interrupt his tedious delivery of information sets my reactor in motion! What can I do? Am I am happy? Is my impatience an indication of dissatisfaction or is it a shortcoming which I must remedy?

He draws his stories out, inputting too many uninteresting details. Can his “Asperger’s”, my diagnosis, be the blame and I, therefore, just have to be the ‘bigger person”? I  dig my fingers into my ears when he loudly slurps his hot cocoa, the sound penetrates through my skin. I wince every time he adds another plastic container or old scrap of something to the growing piles around the house that he thinks may have a future use. I feel sharp pain from the scowl he hurls my way when I interrupt his “dissertation” on the cost savings of not turning on the heat in winter and his calorie per gram calculations to keep his skinny body skinny. I must be patient. I must let it go. I must not take it personally.

Can I? There is something deep within my spirit that is being hurt, past wounds and frayed nerves, I suppose.  Perhaps the prescription is to speak up to unload the pressure that has built up by my irrational fear of communicating my frustrations. Maybe I need to honor my truth through freely and openly sharing it in order for Patience to become a virtue I hold rather than the impediment it apparently has become.

Acceptance

Remynder: Acceptance is essential for my peace of heart and mind.

I am stubborn and there are times I don't like accepting the truth or reality. Some facts in my life and some feeling I hold are either too painful or need a change in perspective. I don't like the fact it is becoming clear that my wuzband's* house became the family home my daughters return to, not mine. I don't like my latest high cholesterol count, even though I think I eat a healthy diet and exercise every day. I sometimes don't like being in my love relationship because his style of living and priorities are soooooo differently from mine. I sometimes don't like his Asperger's. I don't like the wrinkles on my face and the loose skin draping from my midriff. What am I going to do about all this adversity I face? Accept every morsel of it and move on. I don't have to like any of it, but I don't have to victimize myself over it. I can choose to live in the problem OR I can live in the solution. Sometimes it's a matter of changing my attitude; sometimes it takes action. Acceptance, though, is the catalyst to free thinking and loving. 

*I have adopted the term "wuzband" from a dear, wise friend, Anna Rainville. I think "ex" sounds so cold, sharp and mean. Wuzband (or if you will, was-band)) is kinder, gentler, more loving, and helps dilute the bitter taste left in my soul after bellicose ending. We have severed ties (ironic since we are parents of two lovely and amazing daughters) and no longer communicate with one another. It is a frigid cold war. But, living with a kind heart is better than dwelling in meanness. 

Don't Take It So Personally!

One of the common traps I fall into is taking things so personally. I react to another's word or a action as if it is an assault or criticism directed with laser-sharp aim at me. Ninety-nine point nine per cent of the time it has nothing to do with me. Oy, I take things so seriously, sometimes.  It's time to cultivate a thicker skin or a slippery back. Listen, process and let it go. 

(Inspired by one of the Four Agreements.)

I Am Enough

This is a good remynder for maintaining balance. Too many times in my life I skirted the edge of the dark side by under-valuing myself and, sadly, declaring myself as "no good", as compared to "everyone else". I found it difficult to settle into being satisfied with who I am. When I finally said to myself, "Enough is enough" and that I preferred life over living with a dying soul, I was able to earnestly embark upon the path of spiritual growth. Step by step, year by year, moment by moment, the clouds of self-inflicted emotional warfare cleared by thinking. I can now accept that I am okay just the way I am. I not much better than anyone else, nor I am much worse. In fact, I am probably in the middle range... like most folks. I have a piece of folk art created from a sheet of rusty corrugated metal that has two figures eying each other, a devil and an angel. It says, "A little good, a little bad -- like most folk..." I am aware that I have good traits and bad; I have made good and not-so-good choices for my life. What matters is seeing myself through a clear lens: admitting my faults and shortcomings and working through them to be my best self but also to accept the gifts I offer the world. I am not merely one or the other; I am enough.

(In reviewing the paragraph, I noted I trended toward moralizing. That is only part of the message. It is about being feeling complete and content in this fast-moving, whirling world filled with endless opportunities and other people we perceive as super-achievers. The American culture is rampant with skewed demands for excellence gained by ever more cut-throat ego-centric competition. I am not dismissing right-sized goals for personal gain, but I know I lost appreciation of my value when I compared myself to others, resulting in the "less than" syndrome. I am NOT "less than"; I am enough!)

Another day, another remynder

Start saying "I can!" instead of reacting with "I can't".

When I am present and clearly conscious of my thoughts, words and actions, I often catch myself reacting with the phrase, "Aw, I can't" when presented with a challenge. Well, it's time to respond with the two words that raise the bar of personal success,"I can!". The outcome is not guaranteed but by adjusting my attitude, I  reset my sail toward a more positive horizon and I am closer to reaching my divine potential. This covers all areas of my life, from the realm of intimate relationships to deciding to climb a 5.10 rock-climbing route to offering my time to be of service to someone in need. When I immediately say "No", I lose out on the possibility for excellence, satisfaction, achievement, or higher love -- simply, I miss out on becoming my best self.